apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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