we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
