Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
