i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
