I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize