Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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