Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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