i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize