That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
