It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
