I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
