I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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