do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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