I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Operation Purity has been aborted
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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