Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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