Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
