wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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