remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
