Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize