i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
