"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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