Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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