Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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