i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize