Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
