currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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