My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
