Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize