Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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