I am puke
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
