There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
