remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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