I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
