i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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