does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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