I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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