you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
