they need to just BURY HIM!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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