It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize