I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
