508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
