so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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