omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
