Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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