He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize