I just threw up on my dentist
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think my moral compass just broke
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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