um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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