Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
