how can u be prego again
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
