T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
