I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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