Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
