it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
