I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
