my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
