What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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