Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
