The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
