Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
