There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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