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yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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