Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
